Just Plain Bummed Out

People don’t always do what they said they were going to do.  I am 43 years old and no matter how many meditations, breathing exercises, staying in the now, loving what is practices I put into place, it still bugs the crap out of me when people don’t do what they said they were going to do.

 

How to deal with this? I understand intellectually I must let go of the need to control all outcomes.  I must go with the flow and pick up the slack when need be. I must not count on people when they tell me they will take care of something.

 

But see, I hate that.  Why shouldn’t I be able to count on people?  Especially people who insist they are organized and have it handled.  That is the worst kind of disappointment.

 

I love people. I really do.  But I pride myself on being good to my word.  Is it terrible to want the people in my life to do the same?  (And this begs the question—Do the people in my life think I am as good to my word as I think I am?)

 

I’m usually pretty good at turning stuff like this around and giving folks the benefit of the doubt.  But generally when it comes to this particular topic, you can easily see all the other things the person did that was NOT the thing they said they were going to do for you.  All the other things that they chose to put ahead of you that has now left you in the lurch.

 

Honestly, I have no lesson that goes along with this post.  I have no “aha” moment to make this ok.  I’m just plain bummed out.

 

Maybe you guys can help me this week?  What do you do when someone lets you down?  How do you handle it when you were assured that it was going to happen and it doesn’t?

 

All help and comments appreciated.

 
 
 

8 Responses to Just Plain Bummed Out

  1. Desiree East says:

    Ugh…this is the worst. Like I always like to say, “The only kind of flakes I like are the kind you find in your cereal bowl.” I’ve my share of people who have, at the end, have not been so reliable. It’s a pain in the @ss. I think the lessons I’ve learned is that, as long as I know that I’ve communicated clearly on my end, I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong, and I could make whatever decisions I need to make with integrity. What I’ve done in the past is, if they haven’t reciprocated or followed through with what they said they were going to do, I just try to end the relationship as gracefully as possible, and move on. It’s harder said than done, but at the end of the day, if the relationship leaves me feeling guilty, angry, or resentful, it’s just not worth my time or energy (or money). I’m so sorry you had to deal with this…not fun! Hope things pan out okay!! xo

    • lornagager.com says:

      Thanks Desiree. I like what you said about the communication part–it’s true. If we have effectively communicated, that is all we can do and the rest we have to deal with as it comes. Thanks so much for your supportive words.

  2. Silvia says:

    Lorna…totally get how you feel. I’m a stickler about keeping your word. I think it shows self respect and honor. Your word is everything. There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind…just be up front about it. If you can’t keep your word with someone else, how can you possibly keep it for what you tell yourself? I think not keeping your word is a self sabotaging habit. What I’ve learned is that if it’s an acquaintance that doesn’t keep their word, next time I won’t count on them and take what they say with a grain of salt. If it’s a close friend and I really love them otherwise (had this a lot) then I accept that that’s the way they are and simply don’t rely on them for certain things. Usually they intend to do what they say in the moment but can’t follow through. I let them know I understand that, but that I’d rather they say no than yes and then disappoint. I’ve learned to let them know that this habit hurts them more than it hurts me. Every time they say they’re going to do something (and I know differently) I stop them right then and there and ask them to rephrase and say something like, “I intend to do ……but I can’t be certain right now.”

    • lornagager.com says:

      I so agree Silvia. I feel like I can understand if things go awry or get messed up, but please just let me know as soon as possible. I like how you honestly confront good friends when they try to do it again. It is always better to be upfront in those situations. Thanks for your support.

  3. Nathalie says:

    Lorna, I so know what you mean! And I hate when that happens, too, I really do. Here is what I do: if “just someone” lets me down, I really try and let go of it because it is such as waste of time. But if someone who is dear to me lets me down, I will tell them that I’m hurt, disappointed and frustrated. I tell them nicely (or at least I try), and I explicitly ask them (and remind them) that they shouldn’t make promises if they don’t intend to keep them. It does not always mean that, next time, they will actually do as they said, but chances are higher and it helps me let go of my angry emotions.

    • lornagager.com says:

      Thank you Nathalie. That is such an honest and upfront way to handle things. I also agree that we should let go of the bad energy when it is someone not close to us. Thanks for your helpful insight.

  4. Mandy says:

    Lorna, it kinda depends on who the person is, how well I know them or even what they’re like personally in regards to how I respond. And it depends on what the reason is too.

    We’re all pretty flat out these days, and that’s no excuse, but it’s easy to commit and get overwhelmed. Some people are scared to own up that they’re not able to get it done. They’re worried about confrontation. Others won’t think twice about contacting you and saying “hey Lorna, I’m swamped, I’m not going to be able to make the deadline, could arrange it a another time, date, etc”.

    I’ve had people that have promised me things and haven’t followed through after a couple changes of times etc so I usually just say, if I get the feeling that it’s not going to eventuate, “that it’s probably best we leave it for now and we can look it again later when and if the timing is right.”

    That way I can just move on and don’t have to have it swirling around in my head.

    If I don’t think I’m going to be able to get something done, or work on a potential project, I’ll tell people “I’m not able to do it at the moment and could maybe consider it later down the track etc”. Because I don’t want to get myself involved in something I can’t complete or commit too.

    Mandy xo

  5. Dude, it’s the worst when someone let’s you down.

    To add to what others have said in the comments about how to deal with that person, I find that dealing with my own reaction is a hard part. I’ve found that – as much as it seems not appealing – trying to find some compassion for that person sometimes helps. This is NOT to “let them off” or imply that what they did was ok. Just to say to myself, “This person is trying their best to be happy, has struggles, just like me” helps me try not to take it personally (because it almost is never personal).

    Also, I found this post by Sonja Keller very helpful: http://sonjakeller.com.au/560/radical-acceptance-improve-mental-health

    Again, this is not for altruistic reasons, just to make yourself feel better!

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