It was May 2010. A major turning point for me. The beginning of a whole new kind of living. It was the first time I “got it”.
I finally understood why all the things that I had worked so hard for weren’t making me happy. I finally got that nothing outside of me was EVER going to make me happy.
I got that my thoughts and my feelings and my reactions were keeping me in a living hell. That may sound dramatic, but it’s true.
I had resistance to almost everything–certainly anything new. I had a hard time embracing even the things that I loved, wanted or felt strongly about. I couldn’t seem to enjoy anything, but I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.
Even though I would have told you I was a happy and grateful person, what I was blind to before my turning point was that my thought patterns were almost 100% negative. I hated lots of things, I was judgmental of everyone and everything, I despaired the state of the world and I worried constantly about my kids and what the future would bring.
What I hadn’t been able to recognize until the turning point, was that on the inside I was an angry, frustrated and blaming victim. It wasn’t until right then that I understood that I was doing it all to myself.
Playing the victim had allowed me to blame everyone but myself and kept me in a place of self imposed helplessness.
In my head everything was a hassle. Nothing was easy. There were no free rides and risks were not worth taking. People were not to be trusted and there was no one that understood me. (I know–it was dramatic, but I really felt that way!)
To onlookers, I had a life. I went out, saw friends, laughed. People who didn’t know me well thought I had it together. No one outside of my home knew how bad it was. I was a master deceiver. (This isn’t entirely true–some friendships had cracked, but I ignored that red flag too).
My family knew though. I was a ticking time bomb and everyone in my house knew it. I would lose my temper at the slightest provocation and there was no joy or fun happening when I was around.
Fun was something that I had absolutely zero access to.
I had a constant stream of complaining, railing and “can you believe they did that” going on in my head. I had no peace. Even my dreams were angry.
I exercised, cooked and read to keep the demons at bay, but inevitably that negative voice in my head would return. It was never directed at me, it was all “out there”–all the things that everyone else was doing to make my life miserable.
This was my normal and while I knew that all the wonderful things that I had in my life were supposed to feel better, I didn’t know how to get to the feel good place.
Then I read an amazing book. Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It changed everything for me.
It was the first time I understood that everything I was experiencing was being created by the way I felt and reacted to situations. All of my yucky feelings originated with me. From my thoughts about scary events in the world to my kids socks being left on the floor. I had no control over any of it–I could only control how I chose to let it affect me.
Suddenly it was in my power to have peace. If I could change my thought patterns and truly be the owner of what went on in my head–I could live from a place of contentment and acceptance and knowing.
It started right then. I was able to stop railing against things I couldn’t control. I was able to see situations differently and recognize when I could do something or if I needed to simply accept what was. These seemingly small steps had a tremendous impact on my day to day life.
It led to other things. Eventually I had to deal with my anger head on. It wasn’t just “be positive and everything will be peachy”. It doesn’t work like that. So as time went on and I got more and more involved in my healing, I engaged with the anger. And interestingly I found out that the anger was covering up my true feelings, which were sadness and hurt.
Then I dealt with them.
Once I had been practicing for a while and had seen how my new behavior had completely altered the environment in my home and in my life, I wanted more, more, more (and my hubby was understandably supportive).
My journey continues even today. I have made peace, happiness, contentment and confidence my life’s work. I am always trying new strategies and attempting to reach new heights of achievement and satisfaction. Because things had gotten so difficult and unhappy for me, the contrast of feeling good all the time was too huge to take my attention away from it.
I also knew that I needed to help others who are in the place that I came from.
So if you are suffering, today is for you. This is for you to know that if you are in a bad place, it is completely within your power to get out. Mine was a mean angry place, maybe yours is a worrying and guilty place. Maybe yours is a lonely and despairing place. Maybe yours is a hurt and sad place. Wherever you are, I promise that it can be better. You are not alone.
Loving What Is was the key that unlocked an entire new world for me. It was the first step of many from my turning point. You need a road map for what will work for you.
If you are ready to take your first step, please hit contact in the upper right hand corner to set up a complimentary Discovery Call so we can come up with a strategy that will help you get to a stronger place. It can make the most amazing difference in your life. There is no need to suffer anymore.
Take the step. And then some day you can say that April, 2015 was your turning point.
In order to change your life, you must first change your mind