This is a question I hear a lot. It comes in a few forms.
Why can’t I change?
Why is it so hard to change?
How can I change?
Can I really change?
Whether it be learning how to trust, letting go of a lack mentality, losing a negative attitude, following your intuition, losing weight, gaining self esteem or another pattern in your life, change can be challenging.
Ok, that was an understatement. Change can be like climbing freakin’ Mt. Kilimanjaro.
That being said, I wouldn’t be a life coach if I didn’t believe in change.
So, yes. You absolutely, positively can change. That is what free will is all about. All of us always have a choice. And the reason that I am a life coach is because of all the change that has occurred in my own life. I know from personal experience that change is 100% available to all of us, every day.
But why is it so hard?? Why does it seem like some people change easily and others never get there?
There is a lot to this answer. Some of it has to do with neurological pathways in your brain and the way you are affected by habits. That is the scientific part of change and needs to get addressed, but there is something else that comes first.
One of the main reasons that you hold on so tightly to things that your rational brain doesn’t want anymore is because of love.
Yes. Love. You see, these self sabotaging patterns that you hold onto–they are what you deep down think connect you to the people closest to you. Usually your first family. They were the patterns and feelings that you picked up from those that loved and cared for you when you couldn’t take care of yourself.
Even when you see so clearly that you don’t want these feelings and behaviors anymore, there is a subconscious part of you that believes:
~if you change, you are rejecting the people that you love.
~if you change, the people you love will reject you.
And clearly these two options are the last things that you want. You want to belong. You want to love and feel loved. So you keep behaving in ways that don’t serve you, even when you swear you want to change.
But please recognize that the way you are with these patterns –the way you are with guilt and worry and lack of trust and feeling badly about yourself and stress and food—they are both the things that connect you and the things that are keeping you stuck.
(Yes, there are lots of good patterns and feelings too, I will get to that shortly).
Until you recognize how this fear of rejecting/being rejected is running your life, change is next to impossible. Even when you do recognize what is happening, there is a process that needs to occur to insure that all of you feels safe to make the change.
How do you do it? It goes something like this:
~You acknowledge that you are unhappy and have a pattern that you want to change.
~You look into your past and you see where this pattern first arose–who did you get it from? What does it mean to you? How ingrained is it in you and your family? What do you have to lose if you let it go?
~You very kindly and gently think, speak or write to the younger version of you that is scared to lose this part of yourself. You assure your younger self that she is safe, she will not lose the love of her family and that grown up you will protect her.
~You work through what may come up with your loved ones. You rationally assess what this change will mean to your relationships. It may be hard. You may get resistance. But if you have a game plan and you preemptively have conversations with people about why you are changing and what it means to you, it can smooth the path.
~You remind yourself of the other ways that you give and receive love with those closest to you. Yes, you have some negative patterns (we all do), but you also have LOTS of positive patterns too. When you can start using and focusing on the good stuff instead, you will open up a whole new and healthy way of honoring and loving your family.
~Now you are ready to deal with the neurological pathways and habit change I mentioned before.
Things really can be different. You always have the choice to change.
Most people never change because the pain they are experiencing doesn’t out weigh the safety they feel in staying the same.
Staying the same was not an option for me.
Is it an option for you?
If not and you are ready for real, true change, I can help.
Hit contact in the upper right hand corner and we can set up a time to talk. First calls with me are always complementary.
Here’s to Change!