Coming Out of the Closet

Thanks to those of you who have reached out in the past week to line up coaching.  I have enjoyed phone calls with some fabulous new women and am excited to start our coaching relationship in the Fall.

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Now, onto outing myself.

I’m a little bit nervous as I write.  This topic came up for me because I wanted to tell you about my experience at the retreat this weekend.  But talking about that involves talking about some things that I have kept quiet until now.  Maybe I am overly sensitive, but sharing this part of myself feels very daring.  It feels like I am risking our friendship.

But here goes.

Over the past three or four years I have found myself open to many things that I had previously regarded with disdain.

Some are simple.  I dance now.  I finally got over being self-conscious and have learned to let go and move my body (without alcohol).  I can dance at night in a dark place or during the day in a lighted room.  Alone or in a crowd, it is freeing and invigorating.

I am also open to being silly and looking outrageously ridiculous.  This includes costume parties and wearing outfits into the city that the previous me would have been horrified at.  It invites people to look at me.  Maybe they even point and laugh.  And do you know what?  I don’t mind.  Part of me even likes it.  And none of me attaches it to my self worth.  Again, this is very freeing.

You see, I was brought up to be a “good girl”.  I excelled in this role.  In a lot of ways I still do.  I know how to sit still and pay attention.  I know how to help out and care for others.  I know how to be efficient and organized.  All good life skills and I am happy to have every one of them.

My parents were from different backgrounds and religions, so we were brought up outside of any church.

Growing up, I was also taught not to draw attention to myself.  I was taught to keep the peace and not upset others.  I was taught to be serious.

First from my family and then those that I chose to be around, we frowned upon people who believed in anything that couldn’t be proven.  If we couldn’t see it, it wasn’t real and couldn’t be counted on.  Any kind of activity that was out of the mainstream was to be distrusted.  We relied on rules and intelligence and for us, that meant staying between the lines.

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this.  I lived this way for a very long time, with good success.  And honestly, I still live like this most of the time.

But what I have learned is that I closed myself off from so much of life.  By disdaining and disregarding “crazy stuff” I kept myself within narrow confines.

Truth be told, all that weird stuff was intimidating to me.  I didn’t know what it was all about, so I had to discount it.  By putting it down, I kept my fear of the unknown managed and made it so that I didn’t have to leave my comfort zone and try something new.

So for most of my life I stayed safe.  And boring.  And always wanting.

Recently, as I mentioned, I have been much more open to things.  Or, put another way, I have gotten more and more (of what I used to call) crazy.

I have become involved in feminine divine circles, had intuitive readings, studied much about the world being one consciousness, done visualizations and affirmations, practiced manifesting, been involved in rituals around a fire (and no, there was nothing cultish about it) and become a student of A Course In Miracles.

I have learned that all of these things have something to offer.  They have given me a connection, purpose and meaning that was missing in my life.  They have allowed me to believe in things I can’t see and that are bigger than me.  These things have also shown me that I am in the drivers seat of my life.  When I was able to put discomfort aside and allow myself to try something new—amazing things happened.

As society has gotten more advanced, we have moved away from the things that connect us to the earth.  We believe if we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.  Death is something that happens behind closed doors.  No one likes to talk about why we are here or what life is all about. Everything feels so antiseptic.

But deep inside us we feel like something is missing.  We strive and strive and yet never seem to arrive.  In the quest to find my missing pieces, I realized the old way wasn’t working.  I needed to look elsewhere.  That is why I started exploring new avenues.

You may think that I’ve gone off the deep end.  You may have just changed your opinion of me (if you are even still reading).  You may feel the need to distance yourself.  It’s ok.  A few years ago I would have done the exact same thing.

Strangely though, the more that I do talk about this, the more people I meet who are also involved in these “alternative” practices. So many women I meet have another side to them.  So maybe this is mainstream behavior and I just didn’t know it?  Or maybe it is like sex and politics—people just avoid the topic as much as they can in polite society.

Either way I felt the need to talk about this today.  It feels right to come clean.  To no longer feel like I need to hide this part of myself.

My weekend retreat was a revelation.  I was surrounded by like minded women who have also been exploring different avenues to find their truth.  We connected and supported each other in a way that I wouldn’t have thought possible with 16 women who had mostly just met.

Fitting into this new skin has been a new and strange process.  Part of me is so glad to have finally found the things that give me comfort, while another part of me feels that I am betraying the old ways.  Even at my age I feel the need to be true to my family.

But I know that they love me and even if they don’t understand my choices, they will respect them.  That is one thing that I have always been able to count on my family for.

So what about you?  Do you already practice the things that help you feel better about life and why we are here?  Are you curious about these things?  Or are you not going to touch any of this stuff with a ten foot pole?

I would love to hear your reactions.  Please leave me a comment below and tell me—have I shocked you?  Have I turned you off?  Or do you feel closer to me than ever?

Hugs,

Lorna