Pillow Talk

I have something fun and different for you today.
 
There is an exercise that I run in my workshops and in my group classes. I call it the pillow exercise and in my circle of influence, it has become a touchstone for us all. 
 
The exercise gets a terrific point across and sticks in the minds of those who participate. After reading this I think you will agree and will start asking yourself, “Whose pillow am I on right now?”
 
I created this exercise as an adaptation of Byron Katie’s “My business, your business, the Universe’s business.”

Even if you have done the pillow exercise with me, this is a great time for a refresher.
 
As mentioned, I usually do this in person, so you will need to use your imagination.
 
Picture yourself standing in a room surrounded with people. The group includes family members, friends, co-workers and strangers. 

Everybody has removed their shoes. (I know this is in your imagination, but I still felt the need to include that).
 
Everyone, including you, is standing on a throw pillow–you know, the ones you have on your couch. In the middle of the room is a big empty bean bag chair.  
 
In your minds eye look down at your pillow. The pillow you are standing on represents the things in life that you have control over.

That includes, your thoughts, your emotions, your actions and your reactions. All of the things that are in the sphere of your influence. You always get to choose how you feel, what you think and what you do in the world.  
 
As you look around the room, notice that everyone has their own pillow. Everyone has the same power over their pillow as you do over yours.
 
Now check out the bean bag chair in the middle. It is much bigger than the throw pillows. That chair represents the Universe, God, Reality or whatever power outside of yourself that you believe in. On that bean bag is war, pestilence, famine, disease, natural disaster, world politics etc. The Universe’s business.
 
Now, imagine that someone leaves their pillow and walks over onto yours. It doesn’t matter who–spouse, child, parent, stranger—how does it feel to have them on your pillow? Do they fit? Do they belong in your business? Do you want them trying to force their will on you? Or does it seem cramped, uncomfortable and that they don’t belong here?  
 
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it doesn’t feel good to have them on your pillow. No matter who it is.
 
And let me also ask you this. Even though this person is on your pillow, can they “make” you do anything? I get that they can try. I get that they can be tough and bully you to get their way, but is that effective? How does it feel when you get coerced? And if you let them force you, what does that do to your relationship?  
 
Ultimately any decision we make for another person disempowers them. So if you don’t maintain the boundaries of your pillow and let other people make decisions for you, you will be disempowered. 
 
If we follow this line of thinking it also means that when you force your children to do things, you disempower them. I know you probably don’t want to acknowledge that, but it is true. Think about the things you were forced to do as a kid. Did it help or hurt you in the long run?
 
Ok, back to our pillows.
 
As you continue to have this person squeezed onto your pillow and making things harder than they need to be, take a look back at their pillow. If they are here on your pillow, who is over there living their life?
 
No one is. When you are on someone else’s pillow you are not living your own life.  
 
Mull that one over for a minute—when you are on someone else’s pillow you are not living your own life.  
 
How often are you in your head thinking about what other people should be doing or saying or feeling? You are wanting to control them in some way, but you have no power over them and their pillow. 

And since we are laying it all out here, also remember that you cannot know what is best for someone else.  Only that person knows what is best for them. The same way that only you know what is best for you.

This includes when “what’s best” involves trying and failing. Failure is how we learn and sometimes truly is the best thing.
 
You may spend countless hours thinking and fretting over pillows you have no control over. I hope that you can see now that this is wasted time that you could be using to move towards the things you want in your own life.

Again, back to our pillows.
 
So the person has now stepped off your pillow and everyone is back on their own pillow. 
 
I’d like you to walk over to the bean bag chair and have a seat. You have now stepped into The Universe’s business. Suddenly you find yourself worrying about ISIS, Donald Trump, dying young and the horrible winter that is being predicted. 
 
How does that feel? Not so great, right? You are on the Universe’s pillow. Do you have any control here? Or are you just making yourself feel terrible over things that you either can’t or don’t choose to do anything about?  
 
{NOTE WELL–I am not suggesting in any way that we shouldn’t take action in the world.  You know where you make a difference–the places that you donate time, money and resources. Those things are all on your pillow. What I am referring to here are the things that you have no intention of getting involved in and yet you worry about anyway.}
 
As you sit in this bean bag chair feeling miserable about the state of the world, glance back to your pillow. Who is living your life right now?
 
Again–no one is.  No one is living your life and taking the action that could create the happy and good things that you want for yourself.
 
So in the upcoming holiday weeks, whenever you find yourself out of sorts, feeling angry or sad or helpless, ask yourself, “Whose pillow am I on right now?”
 
Normally when you are feeling badly you will notice that you are on someone else’s pillow. When you realize this, come back to your own pillow and think about or do something that makes you feel good. 
 
If while reflecting on the pillow exercise you realize that you spend most of your time on other people’s pillows and have no idea how to stop, know that I am here to help. January is a great time to start a coaching relationship with me.

My schedule is filling fast, but I do have a few slots left for the New Year.  And if you missed the announcement, I now meet with clients both in person and on the phone.

Hit “Contact” in the upper right hand corner of this page to schedule your free discovery call to talk about your pillow and see if we are a good match.
 
Stay on your pillow my friend.  🙂
 
Hugs,
 
 
Lorna
 
 

In order to change your life, you must first change your mind.